At semi-regular intervals, she spoke to save her life, or something like it.
Saturday, June 22, 2002
Going a little crazy these days, as everything feels up in the air. I have no time to get anything done, now that teaching has started again for the summer, and M is home all the time. It's impossible to write and I'm getting that soul-cramping feeling I get when I haven't written in a while, like I'm all stuffed up and jammed with the mediocrity around me in the mediated landscape. I keep thinking this will end when M gets a job and I will have the days to myself to work again. Though, as the rejection letters collect in a little pile in the corner (just got a nice little 2" x 2" form from Paris Review [insert maniacal French laughter here]), writing itself seems daunting. But the prospect of not writing seems more tormenting still. Basically, I'm reaching this point where something needs to change.
The good news is M does have a job lead, but that means buying a suit, etc. And then I know I will miss him during the day. *Sigh*.
We got back from visiting Portland about a week ago, and I'm still adjusting. It's weird how it just felt like HOME there, and M and I just resolved to move, but then when we got back there was a job lead for him here. We have good friends here, so it will be good to stay, but still, somewhere, I'm disappointed. It's just so much more human up there-- reminds me of SF in the late '80's when I lived there-- lots of crusty hippie types-- a feminist vibe in the air. Definite absence of the insane body consciousness of So.Cal. Basically, I am not a troll up there. And bookstores-- bookstores! Zine stores, feminst lit stores, Powell's small press section, etc., etc. And people watching at Fellini's & Satyricon. Dreads Everywhere. Hefeweisen w/ lemon. Definite absence of the "sky's the limit" ambition found here in LA. I could keep going on and on.
We were supposed to have this ex-student of mine over for dinner yesterday, but he couldn't make it because he had to help some friend kick heroin! Now that's an excuse-- he's such a drama monger. I swear the only way to get him to come by is to threaten suicide. He is pretty amusing though. And is one of those people who seem immediately familiar, as if you've known them before, somehow.